Surviving the first 6 months of 2 under 2

 

As I write this blog I am reflecting back on the last 6 months of having 2 under 2. What a whirlwind it has been! There has been some really sweet moments and then there have been some really hard moments. I wouldn't change it for the world- I love both my kids and I hope they continue to grow to be close. Here are some lessons I learned these last 6 months that helped me survive. 

1. Dedicate time to your oldest child every day

This can be really hard sometimes- especially in the early days but man did we see an improvement in behavior when we made it a priority. I learned to try to give him 10-15 minutes a day of just "mama and toddler time" while the baby was either napping or with my husband. I let him do whatever he wanted to- sometimes it was read books inside or other times it was go outside and play with me. If you give them your attention in a positive manner and they know that they are going to get it consistently they are less likely to act out negatively for your attention instead. 

2. Expect your toddler to test some boundaries 

The first week we brought our baby home our toddler re-tested every single boundary we had in our house. Behaviors he hadn't done in months all of a sudden came out of the wood work again. It is hard when you are super sleep deprived but we did our best to maintain firm boundaries. We understood that it was his way of testing the waters with this new baby in the house and see if the rules still applied- and they did. 

3. Play pretend that they are a baby when they want to 

Toddlers see you giving the baby "baby attention" and want to pretend that they are a baby as well. Instead of saying "No, you're a big boy" I would play pretend with him and rock him and sing to him. I found that this helped him process the fact that I still loved him and that he will always be my baby no matter how big he is.

We had given him a baby doll for christmas to play pretend with before his brother was born. After his brother was born he became much more interested in it and liked to mimic us- which not gonna lie- was super cute. It's crazy to see how much they are observing about your behavior even when you don't think they are. I would try to acknowledge whatever his baby was doing as well to help him feel included. For example I would say things like "Oh is your baby ready to take a nap too?" or "You're baby is going to play on the play gym! How fun!" 

4. Set up a "Yes space" for your toddler 

Something that I found super helpful when alone with both kids was to have a "yes space" or a safe space to have my toddler in while I fed my baby. This way I could feed my baby without having to worry about my toddler endangering himself. This gave me peace of mind while also being able to feed. 

5. Build in extra time whenever you try to go somewhere

I can't harp on this enough. I'm sure you learned with one baby that everything takes longer to get out the door but with two it's twice as much. If we have to be somewhere by a certain time I always try to build in extra time for either a meltdown/tantrum or a blow out. Your chances of at least one of these happening right before you need to get out the door is pretty high. And if you manage to get out the door without either of these happening then congrats! You've got some extra time! 

6. Baby wear 

This was huge for me- especially in the beginning. Our second born basically lived in the wrap for the first few weeks of his life- until he would consistently nap in the swing. This is so helpful when you are chasing a toddler. I will say it's not a perfect solution because I found it hard to lift my toddler when I had the baby in the wrap- but I was able to do a lot of activities with my newborn tied to me. 

7. Be aware of what language you are using

This was a bit of a learning curve for me. They always tell you not to "blame" the baby but it can be hard to do that if you are not making a conscious effort. Some tricks I learned was the concept of taking turns. For example if I was feeding the baby in the chair in the nursery and the toddler wanted to do something with me I would say "It's brother's turn right now in a few minutes it will be your turn to sit in the chair with mama".  I would then really make the effort once I was done feeding the baby to say aloud "Ok baby it's toddlers turn to sit in the chair with mama (or whatever he wanted to do)" and I would put the baby on the play mat or something and let the toddler take his turn. Even if I had 30 million other things to do (and I always do) I found this was super helpful for preventing rivalry and jealously. I can't take credit for this one- one of my friends with 2 under 2 gave me this trick. 

Other things I would say are: "I know you want me to go and play with the trucks right now, I would love to play with you in a few minutes" rather than saying "I can't play with you right now because your brother is eating" 

8. When they are both crying attempt to triage- don't always pick the baby first 

I personally found it so overwhelming in the beginning when they were both crying- and honestly I still find it overwhelming. I think it's really easy to slip into a habit of always picking the baby first when they are both crying but I think it's important to triage the situation and not always pick the baby first. I would make an effort to say aloud things like "Hold on baby, your brother needs me first and then I will come and change your diaper".  I think this really helped my toddler feel like I care about his needs as well and I don't always choose the babies needs before his. 

9. When you have to transition from doing something with the toddler to doing something for the baby warn them and set a timer 

This was a trick that helped me immensely. Our toddler responds really well to timers. One thing that would set my toddler off with a lot of big feelings was when I had to stop what I was doing with him and go and take care of his brother. When I would hear the baby start crying I would say "ok let's set a timer for 30 seconds or 1 minute- when the timer goes off I have to go and get brother" and then I would let him press the button and continue whatever we were doing for that amount of time. I found by taking the extra 30 seconds to a minute and warning him it diffused a lot of the big feelings. Your baby will be ok if they have to cry for an extra minute or 30 seconds- especially if it means you don't have an upset toddler while you are trying to care for them. 

10. Let them "help" you with caring for the baby 

Toddlers want to be involved and want to help as much as they can. Obviously there isn't a lot that he can truly do to help the baby but we had him help push the stroller which was a big hit and he could get things for us like the sound machine and swaddles, burp cloths etc. When he would do it we would give a lot of praise and say "thank you for helping baby!" 

11. Have a safe space to put your baby down

With my first baby, in the first six months I tended to prefer to put him on the floor whenever possible to explore and stregthen his muscles. This time around I was nervous about having my baby on the floor when my toddler was in the room if I couldn't be right next to the baby at all times. My "hack" for this was to put my baby in his crib with toys. This way he could still have some floor time but also be safe from the toddler. I will admit I did use a lot more "containers" with this baby than I did my first but it was out of safety and whenever I could I tried to give him supervised free time out of a container. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your kids safe-from each other. 

12. Start introducing the concept of "sharing" with your toddler 

When the baby was around 4 months old we started introducing baby toys to him. All of these were toys that our toddler used to play with as a baby but has since outgrown and was uninterested in. Of course, the second we got out these toys and gave them to the baby he immediately wanted. We used this as an opportunity to teach him about sharing. We worked on teaching him that you cannot just snatch toys out of baby brothers hands. We often either set a timer for a few minutes and explained that brother was playing with it and then he could have a turn when brother was done playing with it or we had him find another toy to trade with brother. It was hard in the beginning but I feel like it is working well. The other day he "traded" toys with the baby without me having to mediate it at all- major parent win. We felt that by teaching this now and setting the expectations from the get-go it makes it easier when the baby starts to be upset about having his toy snatched out of his hands.